This Shit's Fo Real! {part 1}

Its almost midnight on a Tuesday night.  I am T - 10 days until I strut the stage in my wannabe bikini.  I say "wannabe" because there is only 1/2 as much material as a regular bikini.  Most of it is missing from the ass-region.  Yikes.

I wanted to take a moment to be honest and real about this entire experience.  Atop the mounds of homework and schoolwork and laundrywork and housework and dinnerwork and disheswork and mommawork and wifeywork and... I am making ME work.  Every damn day.  1 hour at 5:00 am and again at 9:00 pm for another 2 hours.  I sweat and grunt and move weights and climb stairs.  That's what I do.  I am a stairclimber.

I realized, when talking with some new friends, that I sound like I am batshitcrazy.  Truly.  I remember hearing about "these women" who did "this" and wondered - WTF?  Why would you ever DO THAT?  Why would you sacrifice your family or your relationships or your pure enjoyment for something that seems so selfish??  WHY???  I didn't get it.  But now I am here.  Working off 4 hours of sleep, very limited carbs, a gallon of water and and an idea that I can do this.

I want to be honest about all of it.  Every moment, every change, every struggle.  So here it is.  This is a true glimpse of the experience:

FUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I doing??? 
I need to sleep.
I need to eat.
I need to sit.
I need to drink water.
I need to drink something other than water.
I just need a damn drink.
I need to eat.  Again.
I don't want to eat.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
Eat the damn chicken you cooked two days ago that looks like shit.
I need mustard.
I need water to wash down the mustard now coated on the chicken.
I need green beans.
I need a protein shake.
I need a piece of bread.
I need to put down the cracker.
I need to walk away.
I need to walk.
I need to climb.
I need to climb stairs.
I need to climb stairs for an hour.
I need to find something to occupy me for an hour because those TVs in the gym are getting old.
I need to read my Research Methods textbook.
I need to research for my Research Methods class.
I need to know more about creatine.
I need to know more about ATP.
I need to stop.
I need to shower.
I need to sit here in the shower.
I need a nap.
Its only 6:15 am.
F@#K.

I am currently ~ 10% body fat and 127 lbs.  That means that of the 127 lbs. I carry around, only 12.7 of it is fat.  It insulates my brain, my organs and still my ass.  Still.  It is being stripped from my brain and my joints, but not my ass.  How can I tell??  Because I leave shit everywhere (like my wedding ring in San Diego).  I forget stuff all the time.  I can't complete a thought.  I forget what my name is.  Its bad.  My joints ache all the time.  I am deflated.  I hurt.  Everywhere.  Its not pretty.

I am not writing to sway anyone from attempting this because I think it is nothing short of amazing.  BUT no one writes of how it really is in the trenches.  I am in a fog right now.  I barely have energy to smile.  But I do.  I am tired - but I was a hellofalot more tired with a newborn.  I ache, but I ached a hellofalot more my last trimester of pregnancy.  I have major food issues, but... nope. Always loved food.  Damn.  The truth is that mentally and physically I am not at my peak.  But this is not my valley either.  Food still tastes good to me, regardless of how many times I have eaten it.  I drink water like crazy and in turn pee like crazy.  I climb stairs like a BOSS.  I still have a great attitude and regardless of how little sleep I get or how much energy I expend, I still am so much more productive in my day than I ever was previously.  I am not a slug.  My body is pushed to the limit and is responding back with a "F&#k yeah. Let's do this!"  It loves it so I in turn am loving it. Really.  OK.  Maybe not right now because I just got home from the gym after lifting for an hour and climbing stairs only to know that I will return in less than 6 hours to climb stairs again.

But ohhhh myyyyyy gossssshhhh.  How I can't wait to not wake up at 4:45 to climb stairs.  How awesome will it be to eat blueberries in my oatmeal again?  Or have some damn peanut butter??  I am almost there.

10 days baby.